Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
