Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
PANTIES FOUND
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