We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
