u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
