Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
