just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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