My liver just broke up with me...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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