I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
