I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
