apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
