The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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