That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
