we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
