I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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