woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
