We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
