It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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