She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
