New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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