for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
