Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
