Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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