so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You need Xanax blowdarts
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
