Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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