you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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