textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
