I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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