Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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