As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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