Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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