We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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