I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
