and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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