when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
