The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
