whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
