my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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