How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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