Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
