Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
