did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
