def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
