The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is Oprah even human
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
