I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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