i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
