Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
