If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
