Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
