Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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