At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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