watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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